Facing Your Fears

In this episode, I share with you my journey in understanding what my fears are and how leaning into them instead of avoiding or running away from them has provided me opportunities to know myself better.  Fears don't make us weak.  They, like our triggers, are teachers and can help us bring awareness to areas that we are operating from limiting beliefs, comparison, or even the past.

I hope you enjoy the journey through my fears and challenge yourself to shine a light of your fears.  As DG says, it is not about being fearless, but about fearing less.

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Transcript

Today, we're going to talk about fears and (0:35) facing your fears, but not facing your fears so you just overcome your fears, but because within (0:43) that fear is so much you can learn about yourself, learn about this experience. (0:50) I was participating in Derek Grant's DG Mindset's Fearless course before I left on vacation, (1:00) and that is not about becoming fearless.It is about fearing less. We're still going to (1:07) experience these fears, and if you're not experiencing your fears, you are probably (1:15) living in too safe of a space. You are not challenging yourself in a way that will provide (1:23) the most profound growth in this lifetime.So we are challenged to live big and bold enough that (1:31) you experience fear. It should be there, right? And so I think I mentioned before that one of my (1:40) fears is not doing enough, which comes from not being enough, that I need to do in order to be, (1:51) that my existence is somehow not enough just by being me, but I need to achieve. There is a (2:02) production level associated with how I value myself or how I perceive others will value me, (2:10) and that shows up all sorts of places, you know, like in Money Mindset where I need to be this (2:18) successful in order to get my husband's approval because he is an entrepreneur who is very (2:24) successful, and so, you know, he is going to value me or think of me a certain way based on my (2:33) success with his metrics.Now he's never said any of that to me. Not at all. Not at all.That is how (2:42) I am projecting my perception, right? My internal inadequacies or how I struggle to value myself, (2:52) I project onto him. Anyway, so I'm doing this course and there are those core things where (3:02) I'm like, okay, I see how that shows up for me, but with a lot of things I'm like, no, I don't fear (3:09) death. I am absolutely 100% certain that what is post-physical body is better than physical body, (3:22) so I don't have any hold back on like death is okay with me, and that is a progression because (3:32) when my kids were little, I very much had this super fear that I was going to die young (3:40) like my mother did.She died at 48. I was certain that that would be my course and I spent a lot (3:46) of time thinking like, okay, if I die now, they will be this age. This is how much memory they (3:52) would... I spent way too much energy worried about that.Now I just assume I'm living to the triple (3:57) digits. I don't think about that, but also I don't have any fears around. I think because now I (4:05) understand how important my mother's death has been in my progression and my journey and having (4:12) this really divine connection with her on the other side allows me to see my death even differently (4:19) for my children.That it would be probably something their soul chose or was aware of as (4:27) part of their learning experience and that they would grow through, and so I've kind of put that (4:32) all to rest. However, I haven't really been tried with it, and what I found in this journey where (4:43) on the plane flying out to our vacation, my husband and my oldest son drove out and we flew (4:51) out to meet them and I'm journaling and saying, all right, I'm ready to be shown my fears. (4:58) So I'm going to tell you what the little nuggets came from the opportunities that I had to face my (5:05) fears, but what I did find is that intellectually knowing something and experiencing it are very (5:11) different, and that was one of the big beautiful lessons that I learned, and so while I am telling (5:17) you that I am very comfortable with death, I am also acknowledging that with a prognosis or (5:27) something very in my face, I would probably experience that very differently, right? (5:33) I'm no fool, but I can intellectualize a lot of things and say, I understand how this works.I'm (5:39) very comfortable with this, and that's why we have to be shown our fears. We need to experience (5:47) that full body reaction to really understand what our triggers are, what are we holding on to, (5:57) and what we are holding on to, those are the things we fear losing, right? So I'm going to (6:04) tell you of a couple of experiences. I hike here in North Carolina.Our hikes are usually wooded. (6:14) There is some, you know, some inclines, some water or creeks or lakes, like it is, it's lovely. I (6:24) love being in trees.I love, love, love walking through trees. It is so fun and I feel very at (6:32) home there. When we were hiking in the desert, specifically in Arches National Park, we were (6:40) hiking ridges of rocks and, and I had real fear about it.Now, walking is something I, I would put (6:51) myself at expert level walker. I'm really good at it. I, I can walk, you guys.I am a good walker. I can (7:00) walk in a straight line. I don't ever just fall down when I'm walking.I am walking, walking, feel (7:08) really good about it, and then you're walking, walking, and even if it is a, a wide rock where I am walking (7:16) on a forefoot across rock, but to the sides of me, there is nothing. There is a drop down, (7:29) ultimately, to your paralysis or your death, but all you have to do is something that you (7:36) are entirely capable of doing. All you have to do is walk, right? It was terrifying and I'm a very (7:46) good walker and I've never found myself to be like terrified of heights in a way that being on an (7:55) airplane would bother me.I did find that I don't like to just look straight down if there is no (8:04) barrier. I'm not super comfortable with heights, but the fact that I am charging my own legs to keep (8:13) me up and not fall down was terrifying, right? And what you have to do is keep your eyes straight (8:23) ahead and take one step and then the next step and then the next step and isn't that what we (8:32) should be doing? Is keeping our eyes ahead on our own journey, but that's not what we do. In fact, (8:41) I'm having to take a step back with my business now, kind of unroll some of the things that I (8:49) rolled out last year because I was working with somebody who was like, now you do this, (8:56) now you do this.Week three, you do this. Week four, you do this. Week five, you do this.And (9:01) I'm going through just checking boxes, doing what she said. Well, she said that because this is what (9:07) she did for her business, which is great except for I am not her. And so instead of feeling into (9:14) or learning what the options are and then doing what is best for me, I rolled out something that's (9:22) not in alignment for me.And so now I'm challenged to go back, to go back and take one small, (9:33) deliberate step in the direction that I wish to travel. And so that's kind of what I figured out (9:42) about me and these Ridgewalks is that my panic, my overwhelm with growing this business or it (9:55) evolving in a different way is because I set it up according to somebody else's path. I was trying to (10:04) take fast steps behind them instead of slow, steady steps on my own path and making sure (10:12) that I am laying a foundation that supports what I am building.And so now it is really going back (10:20) and seeing that my fears around my business are that I'm looking around, that I am looking into (10:28) somebody else's path and going like, Oh, well, I don't want to give up my freedom. I don't want to (10:35) give up being able to, to go to my daughter's tennis match or cutting out early for, you know, (10:43) a soccer game or, or whatever. Like I designed this life that I loved.And then I have business (10:50) resistance because somebody is telling me to, you know, in order to be successful, you should be (10:56) doing 20 sessions a week or whatever. And this is just kind of how it aligns with my business. (11:01) But you can understand when you get guidance from somebody, it is guidance for what took them on (11:08) their path.And so the important thing is you can get guidance from so many people. And then (11:15) what you have to do is integrate it back into how would that impact me? What feels right about that? (11:25) And this goes with parenting, with schooling, with, you know, how you choose a college. Does (11:32) what somebody else's advice, does that even align with your values? And so we have this mass influx (11:41) of information from everyone.I mean, if you have shopped somewhere, they are, you are now on their (11:50) email list. There are, I mean, now Facebook is not even people I know. It's sponsored ads from (11:57) everything.There's just such an influx of information. And if you grab onto that without (12:04) saying, but is this the next step for me? Then what you do is take a lot of fast steps in the (12:13) wrong direction. And then you have to pull those back.And so what had felt unaligned for me was only (12:23) because I was taking all the steps on somebody else's path. And so now I'm having to dial it (12:30) back and go back to the ridge and know that I am safe in this space, building something that feels (12:40) aligned with my values and my priorities and my core. But I have to take those slow, intentional (12:49) steps forward without getting overwhelmed by looking around me at what other people are doing (12:56) and what works for them.And that may be their perfect path. But where I got off track, where I (13:05) started feeling the jitters and the misalignment was because I was looking around at what other (13:13) people are doing instead of keeping my eyes forward and taking just one small deliberate (13:21) step at a time. So that was facing my first fear and the lesson I was able to extract from that.(13:30) Another one came, y'all. It came also in arches. If you're familiar with arches, one of the, (13:39) maybe even the most recognized arch is Delicate Arch.And the little guidebook tells you it's (13:49) a two-hour climb or something, which we did see people going up, I guess, because it's such a (13:56) famous arch that perhaps it would take them a long time. They were quite old or unfit and it is a steep incline. (14:07) But it's not that hard.It's not that hard. And we got there early and we were good to go. And we're (14:14) going up, up, up, up, up, up, up the slick rock.And then there's some stairs. And you get up to where you're (14:22) going to go around a rock. And it's probably a five-foot width of a path.But it's people coming (14:33) in both directions. So you have to like, you know, it's a two-way traffic on a five-foot path. And (14:40) beside the five-foot path is a drop to nothing, right? And so I started getting a little nervous, (14:48) but I was kind of, you know, going close to, not close to the edge that you drop off.I'm (14:56) going to hug the rock the other way. But I was pretty good with it, you know. And this is Susan.(15:02) I have said, show me my fears, God. Show me my fears. And I was like, you know, I'm okay with this.(15:10) I'm still good. And I get up there and I am walking with my littlest, who was 10. He was 10 o'clock.(15:19) He was 10 years old. So I'm walking with him, listening, because he talks to me a lot. And we're (15:26) going.And we get up and you go over this little rock ledge. And then where Delicate Arch is, (15:36) it's maybe, I don't know. I'm really bad at distances.I'm going to say like 75 yards away (15:43) after you cross this little ledge. And so what you're standing on is called Slickrock. It is (15:49) super grippy.So it is a rock face, but it's very, very grippy. And it has a slight slant. (16:00) And I mean, it's still probably like, it's very wide across.But at the bottom, like it drops off (16:08) to nothing. So we then have this drop off to nothing again. But there's hundreds of people (16:13) on this rock face.And you walk over the, how far did I say it was before? 75 yards? We'll stick (16:21) with that. You walk over the 75 yards and then stand in line to go have your picture under (16:27) Delicate Arch. Well, right as soon as we get over this ledge, my little man drops his water bottle.(16:35) And in that moment, because he's on the slanting down rock face, when he goes to grab his water (16:44) bottle, I had this panic that somehow he's going to pay attention to his water bottle and lose his (16:52) footing. Now we are still far, far from the edge, but I had this panic of him not paying attention (17:02) and falling. Right? And so he wasn't even close to it.But when I say I had a little panic, (17:09) I'm talking about like the beginning of a panic attack where I went into full cold sweats. (17:18) I was short of breath. I, at this point, have to go and sit at the ledge as hugged up against the (17:28) wall as possible.And I sat there and I was essentially paralyzed. I never made it over to (17:36) Delicate Arch. My family went over there and I took their picture as they stood under the arch, (17:43) but I couldn't move.So I am in a cold sweat and I freaking couldn't move. I couldn't move. (17:53) And I had to wait.I mean, it was, it was the highest my heart rate got for the entire duration (18:00) of my trip. And we did some doozy of hikes, but that moment, that split second (18:06) of him dropping his water bottle and me visualizing him falling. So what did I gain from that? (18:17) This was hard, you guys.First of all, I gained that even though I can intellectualize losing a (18:27) child and understanding that they have moved on from the physical, that they are in a place that (18:38) I can still connect with. I don't understand. I don't understand that experience.And I have (18:46) someone that I grew up with who recently lost her adult child, but still young. He's still a young, (18:54) maybe mid twenties, early twenties. She lost him in a, he died in a car accident.(19:03) And I have been watching her journey. She has been sharing just kind of her, her grief and (19:10) her struggle and that one day we'll be good. And the next day she can't get out of bed.(19:15) And I, I wouldn't have said I was judging it until I had this experience. Not that it didn't feel like (19:25) judgment, but I have thought, Oh, he's just not physical. Like he's still with you.He's just not (19:33) physical. Um, and it, this instant made me realize how it doesn't matter what you can intellectualize. (19:46) It doesn't matter what you think, you know, if you have not experienced it, because I went there, (19:53) I mean, my child was not even a little bit in danger, but I got to experience (20:02) what I needed to make me realize that.I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.And it made (20:11) me think about all of the other times where somebody has gone through something. And in my brain, (20:18) I can process like, Oh, well, because I understand this, I would move through it a (20:25) different way. You don't know, you don't know, Susan, you don't know.Because I sure was (20:31) completely paralyzed on the side of a rock because my kid dropped a water bottle. That is what, (20:38) that is the experience I needed to understand how little I understand. But it also helps me (20:48) realize why we're here, because you can do all kinds of learning on the spirit side.(20:55) That's what we do. It's not like you go and rest in peace. Sorry, but from my understanding, (21:03) you are in peace, but you are not resting.The learning continues, and we still have avenues (21:09) for expansion and learning and growing. But without the emotions and without this (21:20) two polar sides that we get to experience in earth, even though you can understand that a (21:29) parent is going through loss, without an experience, you don't know how that heart (21:39) can feel. You don't, you don't know how that loss can feel.And you guys, that's why we choose to (21:47) come here. It's not because, it's because you can't comprehend. You, you can't guide someone (21:55) through, through experiencing that if you have not.And I know it seems ridiculous for us to come (22:05) here wanting to experience pain and loss, but it's how we expand and how we grow. And in this moment, (22:14) just the realization of how little I know because I haven't gone through that, it opens up your (22:21) compassion and understanding for everyone else that your journey is your journey. And even if I (22:30) can intellectualize something and understand like how our soul travels and soul moves, (22:37) to understand in physical, emotional terms, let me just go ahead and say, I don't know.(22:44) I don't know. And, and there I sat on the rock realizing, even though I can say (22:55) what I think would happen, should I go through that? Let me go ahead and tell you I was wrong, (23:00) wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. I have been wrong about so much.And it really made me realize like (23:06) even my sister going through a really traumatic struggle with her son and me (23:16) feeling how she should have pushed through or maybe I would have done something different. (23:22) That's when I got to realize that I don't know. I haven't had that experience and, and maybe I (23:30) would do something differently or maybe I would be buckled in the moment, paralyzed, completely (23:37) paralyzed in that moment because that's exactly what happened to me.And it was just kind of a (23:44) wake up call for me to understand how little I understand. If I haven't experienced it, (23:51) then I could say how I think I would be, or I could say how I wish I would be, but I cannot (24:00) possibly understand what human in this human, human in the Susan body, Susan in this human body (24:08) with this full range of emotions, with this nervous system that I can, I can hope will respond (24:17) to the tools that I have learned. But let me go and tell you, I had a lot of deep breathing (24:23) to do on that rock before I could even get my heart rate down (24:30) from a non-experience from, from a water bottle dropping.And so that was fear number one. No, (24:38) that was fear number two. Fear number one taught me to keep my eyes on my path.Fear number two (24:44) taught me, I don't know. I don't know how you're experiencing your journey because I haven't done (24:52) it. And so all I can do is know how, I mean, I guess that's the same lesson again, isn't it? (24:59) Keep your eyes on your own path, but also know that if you haven't been there, you haven't been (25:06) there.Like that's all there is to it. And so all we can do is offer somebody our love and our (25:13) compassion. And even if it didn't feel or have the intention of judgment, if you are somehow (25:21) thinking you could do it better, that's what it is.That's what it is, is judgment. And that (25:27) doesn't lift anybody up. In fact, it lowers you, is expressing judgment for how somebody is doing it.(25:34) So just offer compassion. That's all it is, is understanding that you don't know and hold them (25:42) in love. And when you do that, you can both be in love.And I've had to check myself and reframe (25:49) myself now when I see something and remember that I don't know. I don't know what you're experiencing (25:58) and I can only offer love. And so that was a really good lesson for me as well.(26:06) So, all right, the final lesson in fear that I got, we were on our river, our little river, (26:16) I say river cruise and that makes it sound like you're on some bougie boat. It wasn't that. (26:22) You raft in rafts and there are a couple cargo rafts that take all of your things, your food, (26:30) your tents, whatever.And so there were 25, 25 of us maybe and then five guides, I believe. So we're all (26:42) on rafts with our cargo going and for three nights we would sleep at a different campsite (26:50) and then move the next day and raft some more and then go to a new beach and set up camp. So at one (26:58) of the places that we were at, we went on maybe a four mile hike up to this cute little waterfall.(27:05) And as we're going, my son has, my oldest son has gone ahead because that's what he did through most (27:15) of our hikes while we were gone is prove how much faster he is. Never mind that he has legs (27:24) associated with a six foot one body and I do not. But whatever, congratulations, you're super fast.(27:30) So he had gone ahead but when he did, he spotted some bighorn sheep and so he actually came back (27:38) to the guide who was leading the rest of us who didn't need to prove our speed to let us know (27:44) these sheep were there. And so we look over and this really magnificent bighorn sheep is looking (27:54) at me with curled horns and just gnawing at his, his grass or whatever his leaves, whatever he's, (28:03) I look like he's smiling. He's like chewing his little leaves and it looks like he's smiling at (28:09) me.And so we just, you know, stood there for a minute or two and looked at how beautiful he was (28:15) and then we carried on our journey. And so we walked to the falls, which is lovingly named (28:23) Buttcrack Falls because at the top of it is this little, like little crevice that feeds into the (28:34) waterfall. And if you stick your butt in it, you stop the waterfall.And so somebody can get under (28:41) the waterfall and when you lift your butt, the water comes pouring down on them. And so that's (28:48) called Buttcrack Falls. And that was not an important part of the story, but isn't that (28:55) cool? So the kids had a great time sticking their butt and stopping the waterfall and then everybody (29:00) getting underneath and getting a very cold waterfall shower underneath.So anyway, so we (29:08) get back to camp and, and Nina had led us on the hike and then some of our other guides had stayed (29:16) back. They were on the dinner crew and they were kind of prepping our meal for us. And so I, (29:22) I was talking to another guide, MacGyver, isn't that a cool name? So MacGyver was telling me (29:29) that, um, when I told him we saw a bighorn sheep, he was telling me how scary they are, how, (29:38) how aggressive and ferocious these bighorn sheep could be.And, uh, like that wasn't (29:45) my experience at all, but he's telling me how they had actually chased, like kind of come after (29:51) a group one time, um, that they felt threatened by. So they, you know, came running towards this lady.