Reciprocity in Relationships: Why Boundaries Alone Are Not Enough

Many of us learn boundaries after burnout.

But boundaries are not the end of the story.

In this episode, Susan Sutherland explores the missing piece that allows relationships to stay healthy: reciprocity.

After years of over-functioning in relationships—initiating contact, maintaining connection, repairing conflict, and holding the structure together—Susan began asking a deeper question:

What happens when you stop carrying the relationship?

This episode explores the shift from overgiving to relational wholeness and the difference between being needed and being truly met.

Topics explored in this conversation include:

• the cycle of overgiving, burnout, and withdrawal
 • why boundaries alone cannot sustain healthy relationships
 • what reciprocity actually looks like in real life
 • how relationships change when you stop over-functioning
 • why participation—not perfection—is the foundation of healthy connection

Boundaries stop harm in relationships.

Reciprocity builds health in relationships.

Transcript

Reciprocity Versus Isolation

Putting Down What You Carry

Naming The Pattern Out Loud

Reciprocity Without Transaction Thinking

Presence Matters More Than Usefulness

SPEAKER_00 0:22

Hello, my friends. I shared with you guys the episode on boundaries as edges. And after it went live, it felt really incomplete to me. Like I fell short of offering the final chapter, I guess. Not that there needs to be a part two, but instead of just saying boundaries as edges, I need to discuss how that works in relationships because it is something I have been thinking about now for months. And I have touched on in a couple of podcasts, perhaps through tears. I can't recall, but I mean, at this point of 2026, probably, right? Anyway, it is something that should have been included. So we're circling back because reciprocity needs to be talked about. I did share the pattern that I have certainly walked with boundaries and relationships, but stop short of that. But my pattern has been to overgive or overfunction in relationship and then burn out and then learn boundaries which pull me back almost into isolation. And then once I have been there long enough and have tended to the wounds that I was protected, I can stand in wholeness. And that's where boundaries become the edge and not the wall. But I need to talk a little more to that because it would be super awesome if we could. No, it wouldn't be awesome, you guys. It would be easier, perhaps for me, if I could go and remain centered and whole in the woods. I think I could do it. But I know I'm here to be a relational being, actually only part-time, because my human design makeup is a role model/slash hermit. So I do believe that half of the time I do require solitary isolation to recoup from the relating. So maybe you're like that too, where we can put ourselves out there and then we need to retreat. But I need to talk a little more. And I think maybe I had a little bit of avoidance because I am still walking through right-sizing relationships. And perhaps it felt a little personal to go there, but here we are because what's going to happen is it's going to circle until I um I claim it and say it. So relationships do require maintenance, but a lot of times they are not maintained in a way that honors both people. Overgiving is not the answer, and rigid self-protection is not the answer. So there must be something else. Reciprocity is what allows a relationship to remain alive. Y'all, this is not scorekeeping, this is not a transaction, but it is a living balance of giving and receiving and tending and responding. We require feedback, and I think a lot of us grow up in situations, either familial or societal customs and cultures that make us think that we need to hold the structure up. And that's what for the past, I would say, six months, I have been looking at relationships because it felt like I was carrying them. And when you stop overfunctioning, when you stop carrying the support of the relationship, often it changes. And what I have found is it can change in a very good way if you can have a healthy conversation of this is what it feels like to me. This is how I need to shift things, and it is received, but you don't get to guarantee the reception of the other person. A lot of times we have we've trained people how to treat us, right? We train people that I will be the one who initiates, I will be the one who makes contact, I will be the one who schedules, I will be the one who repairs and mends and holds up everything. And when you don't do that, when you stop holding, it may just lay down. So then you have to really go within and see why am I doing this? Why do I feel obligated to hold this up? Is there any service to me from this relationship? What wounds am I seeking validation? Do I need them to think, oh, she's got it all together, she holds everything together, she holds this role. What am I hoping they see by my doing it all? So, as with everything, it has required some introspection for me to look honestly at relationships, honestly at what I am seeking from them, and honestly at what I am receiving from them. And in doing so, it has changed the dynamic in my relationship. It has allowed me to actually feel like I can be whole within a relationship, even if externally or even internally, the quality of that relationship feels diminished. But it's because I'm no longer overfunctioning within it. I am remaining whole because this is what I can offer out and still feel like I am being respectful of myself. A lot of times we can pretend that this is just our role and overfunctioning doesn't matter, but it has this slow wear-down effect. Mark and I have been walking this path together as we just talk about relationships. As we are in a changing phase of our life, relationships shift. And we all know it is it's hard to make friends as adults. And recently I have been very blessed to make some new friends that feel like genuine connections to me. And I honest to God, I really feel like it is because I have done this work of allowing myself to put down relationships that I was carrying. The image that keeps coming to my mind is me holding something heavy. And if I'm going to extend it to give someone, and they don't reach out their arms, I have to bend over and place it at their feet. I am off balance, I am out of center. In order to give something to someone, they have to reach out and meet you halfway. And that's not even saying they have to, in turn, give you the same thing back. It is like you have to participate in this relationship. And I know that sounds ridiculous, but a lot of times we hold on to relationships out of legacy. You're like grandfathered in. You're my friend because you were my friend. You're my family because you've always been my family. And this season has allowed me to evaluate what is true for me now. There are some roles that we have just kind of been assigned or stepped into, and once you step into it, it is forever yours. My sister makes macaroni and cheese at every Thanksgiving and every Christmas. It is her assigned duty. She might want to make something else, but at this point, she is locked in that role. I think that happens in relationships where because you've done it once, perhaps you did it well. It becomes your assigned duty. Since I have not planned a family vacation with my extended family, we have not had one. I know that if I do not plan it, it will not occur. And for the past couple of years, I haven't. We've had other family stuff going on. But sometimes holding all of the pieces is exhausting. So I have somebody recently that I heard secondhand that they said that I don't contact them very often. The person I was hearing it from, the other person in the couple, is the one I reach out to because she is the one that responds. She maintains the relationship. She will call me, she checks in on me, and I do the same for her. The reason I don't reach out to the other person is because when I do, it's often very short replies, and there is never ever any initiation from that end. And this is not one of those special phone devices that only receives their phone, it also sends out, it also calls out. And at first it required me sitting back and thinking, and then I was like, no, I don't feel guilty that I don't reach out more because what I acknowledge is I do require reciprocity in this relationship. And I feel like I reach out in an amount that doesn't feel like I'm overfunctioning or trying to physically hold up a relationship without participation from the other person. So that's what we've been really evaluating. Mark had a relationship that really bothered him. He talked about it all the time that if he didn't initiate contact with this person, that it would be months. Like it was required for him. Now, anytime he did initiate contact, he would see them. And everything was fine. They had a good relationship, but he held the burden of maintaining it, of ensuring that contact was made, that plans were made, that things were done. And he ended up having a conversation with him about it because he kept talking to me about it. And quite honestly, I can't fix that relationship. And so if it is weighing on you, and it was, then you have to honor the relationship enough to communicate it. And from there, the other person can then decide, okay, I see what you're saying. I definitely want you to know that I'm invested in our relationship, that it matters to me. And I see where they could say, This is why I don't reach out, which is fair. But then then you know it is really hard to talk in code without names or even relationships. But I am trying to honor people who have not committed to having their personal business shared on my podcast. My immediate family does not get that kind of grace. But my extended connections, relatives and friends, I try to offer a little bit of that grace too. But there has been just a big evaluation in our home and in our family lately, even friends that we have known for, I mean, decades now, I guess, which we used to see them all the time because we hosted all the time, come for dinner, drop by for drinks, whatever it was. And it was always like, we're gonna have you over for dinner soon, we're gonna have you over for dinner soon. But never was that kind of contact or initiation made. If we know when we stopped initiating, we stopped seeing them. And that's the truth of it. And that has been true for several relationships that we have, where once we decided to stop overfunctioning in the relationship and to require some kind of reciprocity, the relationship just kind of fizzled. And I have to be okay with it now because I do see that more alliance connections are being made available to us because we are not overextending ourselves to keep what is not thriving alive. So I do want to make note that this is not about having transactional relationships. I have walked that path too. This is not that. Being reciprocal means that one person doesn't have to maintain it, that both feel seen or heard, that both feel honored, though it doesn't have to be in the same way. And a lot of times it's not even balanced in the same season. I mean, we go through crazy stuff in our lives, and there may be seasons where you are doing more of the holding, but it's not a season that extends to forever. But we need to make sure that we are not emotional bookkeeping, as my friend calls it, tit for tatter, to see like, well, I did this, well, you did this. No, that's not what reciprocity means. We just want to make sure that one person isn't always initiating, that one person isn't always repairing, that that one person isn't always the one that is making space for the relationship, that somehow you're able to hold their humanity and their experience, but they are not able to hold yours. Being needed is not the same as being met. And the feeling within those relationships, when you find someone who meets you, is very different than when you are sustaining someone who needs you. I had a lot of those relationships and I accepted non-reciprocal relationships because overgiving made me feel safe and made me feel valuable and made me feel needed and made me feel connected when otherwise I may have felt really alone. But the wear of those relationships is massive. The relationship may continue, but the aliveness, the thrill of it, the nurturing aspect of the relationship diminishes. There has to be exchange, or else it feels less like devotion and more like depletion. Now, I will say this. If you offer someone apples within your relationship and they offer you mangoes, first of all, say thank you because they're offering a better gift. I shouldn't say that. I just am on a mango kick right now. But it doesn't have to be a like-for-like exchange, as long as you are both nourished. If you offer fruit and they offer flowers, perfect. That is still a give and take. But when you start to have resentment within a relationship, you should probably have a look and say, is this out of balance? Am I leaning over with my heavy basket because you are not reaching out? When you are in a reciprocal, balanced relationship, your presence matters, not just your usefulness. We were in conscious conversations one time, and I remember somebody complaining about their mother. And what she was saying is basically like, well, she needs to come and do this for me, and she needs to do this for me, and she needs to do this for me. And I just thought, you're not wanting a relationship. You're wanting a helper. You want somebody for their usefulness, not for their being. And perhaps they're not showing up because they already recognize that that's out of balance. Perhaps not. I'm not trying to diagnose that relationship. I'm just saying it doesn't feel good to be wanted, to be requested just because you are useful. That tires. A lot of times we seek out or find relationships by being useful, and then we train ourselves into maintaining them because we are useful. Oh, you see me as valuable. Let me show you how valuable I can be. But from center, when we are whole, we know that we are the offering, not what we do, not what we give. From our wholeness, our presence is requested, and from that wholeness, we can be pretty damn useful. But that is not why we are salt. So I hope you will look at your relationships, your reasons for having them. Recognize if you're giving fruit and getting turd or getting nothing at all. Recognize if perhaps there are relationships where you are allowing someone else to overfunction and overgive. And remember, not every relationship will be perfectly balanced in every season. It shouldn't be. Our lives move through waves. And it is important in relationship to help and nurture others. We just can't create a pattern of I am always the nurturer, I am always overgiving, and I don't feel that coming back. A healthy relationship has movement in both directions. It has response, it has repair, it has regard. Reciprocity is not perfection, it is participation. Boundaries stop harm in relationships, and reciprocity builds health in relationship. Reciprocity allows you to recognize and feel the difference of being valued and being used well. So I wanted to come back to this because it's not just good enough to say have your boundaries as edges and relate from wholeness, but I wanted to look deeper into what that looks like within relationship. Reciprocity is the key ingredient in order to maintain your relationships while maintaining your wholeness. So I hope that was a good add on for you. It was necessary for me to speak into the world. I love you. Thanks for listening.