Success Is Not Solo

Success feels like a solo sport until you look at the parts nobody posts. I’m pulling apart the myth of pure individualism and telling the truth we tend to avoid: personal achievement is built inside relationships, systems, timing, and access. That doesn’t erase effort. It just makes the story more honest and a lot more compassionate.

I am your host, Susan Sutherland - an intuitive healer and guide and this week we start with a quick follow-up to last week's episode. There was a real moment that rattled me, a conversation about a school contract that forces families to sign on to rigid beliefs about gender and sexuality. It becomes a window into values, misalignment, and the painful places where “opportunity” can ask us to bend. From there, I move into a family story about academic awards, celebrating my daughter’s discipline without asking her to dim her light, while also protecting my son from the quiet shame that comparison can create.

Then we widen the lens with Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers, redshirting, and the way small developmental and structural advantages compound over time. I connect it to everyday life, including health and fitness, to show how resources like time, money, support at home, and community shape what “good choices” even look like. If you’ve ever looked at someone else’s results and felt behind, this conversation offers a better frame: you’re not working with the same ingredients, and the metrics of success are often man-made.

If this landed with you, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs relief from comparison, and leave a review telling me what unseen advantage or unseen struggle you wish people understood.

If you enjoy the podcast and want to help others find it, take just a minute to leave me a review.

Transcript

Success As A Shared Outcome

SPEAKER_00 0:22

We have been taught to see success as personal, but it's relational. It emerges from the interplay of who we are and where we are and what we're given access to. And today I want to spend a little time deconstructing the myth of pure individualism to invite humility about success and compassion about struggle. But before I do, I have a couple other things to share. Number one, I was nudged this week to remind you that the Remembrance Codes podcast is a field of remembrance. I intentionally create a container and invite you into it that holds codes of remembrance for you. And that is irrelevant of what I say or what the topic is. And so whether or not I am offering a transmission or telling you about my family life, the core of the container is still there. So that's the reminder for you. Secondly, I want to have a little flashback because last week I talked about values and when our actions are not aligned with our values. And I had an incredible experience because often when I am speaking to you guys, it is a reflection of something I have been walking. And that that felt true for me last week. However, what I discovered was it was preparatory. That was a walk that I needed to walk to prepare me for a situation that I was getting myself into, not getting a conversation, but it was one that hit hard. So I'm going to share it with you. After I recorded, I continued to find areas of misalignment for myself, which the more you find of your own misalignments, and was like, okay, well, I say that, but am I doing it? And if you have teenagers, particularly if you are teaching them to drive, and they're like, well, you tell me to use my turn signal. You didn't use your turn signal there. It's like there is no car within three miles of me. But if you say something, are you also doing it? This is what's important on the road. Are you following what you're telling me? And so I have many opportunities to make sure I am doing as I say. But also I just was fantastically aware of what my values are and any discrepancy that was coming up in thought or in action throughout the day. And that afternoon, I was on the soccer field and a mother came to talk to me and she let me know that she had applied for her child to go to the Christian school that is like our rival school, our close adversary. And that school, I have heard that they call us Gaston Gay instead of Gaston Day. And I just assumed it's because we have a LGBTQ alliance, we have a culture of inclusion, and perhaps they they don't. What she told me though is when she applied for school there, they actually have a contract that you have to sign that says gender is male and female, it is assigned by God at birth. This is the gender you will conform to. They also have you state that you're not gay and that godly relationships are between a man and a woman, and that these are the values they uphold, the biblical values as they see it. Don't even get me started about that not being contextually accurate for when the Bible was written. Nevertheless, they have you state in the contract that you're not gay, that you won't be gay, and that these are the values that are held at the school, and you will also enforce these values at home so that there's not a discrepancy. And you guys, oh my God, it hurt my heart and it hurt my head. And this conversation just spun over in me for hours because of how many families I know that are there now and thinking that they have signed this contract, it personally hurt me. And I'll tell you, it personally hurt me because there is a close member of my family who was closeted until I pushed him out well into his adulthood. And the only reason I did that, I do not recommend doing this. Um, but he was suffering with a lot of mental health issues, anxiety, and a lot of complications that I knew were manifesting because of the burden of carrying a secret. And walking beside him through this experience of feeling judgment for others or anticipating judgment for others and feeling the need to not be yourself around others because you will be excluded, because you won't be welcomed, because someone will judge you, because I have walked what that looks like in a physical body when you are not received as who you are, made by God, who you are. I I've just seen what that looks like. And so that is that is a value that is so the line is so deep. There's no crossing. My actions will always align for somebody feeling wholly themselves and being received that way. That's not true, that's not what I can bend on. But I had to recognize that other people don't hold that value having lived that perspective. They they don't hold it in the same way that I do, having shared that experience with this person. And I had just spent the whole day saying, okay, I compromise here and could be judged for that rightly in a lot of ways. And other people are compromising here. And so perhaps I should offer them the same grace that I'm hoping is offered to me. And because I had walked through that landmine of values and actions and the misalignment that I have and that others have, I was able to receive this in a different way, to receive this news in a different way because um I understand. And she even said, these are not my values. I signed it because I want him to have a more expansive athletic opportunity. And I know that at home I can teach him this is this is okay, this is not okay. Here, we're gonna bend a little bit to allow you more opportunity. Now, her daughter actually said, I'm not gonna sign that contract. Props to her. Like serious props because she's super young and already knew that I will not go somewhere that upholds those standards. But I just thought it was freaking wild that we on this podcast were having this conversation. And then I walked into a scenario where I truly had to tap into the compassion and the understanding that I had found throughout the day and really exercise it. So just wanted to offer that little follow-up there because we all have we have places we're willing to bend, and we have places that bending feels like breaking, and they are not the same for everybody. And we are shaped, we are informed by our past, by the relationships that that we have walked through, and that is how some lines are deep for us, but they might not be for others. But anyway, that's not what we're talking about today. Today, we are talking about success and achievements and how personal success is not personal. We had the upper school academic awards last week, and my daughter cleaned up. She received uh academic recognition in every single class that she's in, including academic excellence, which is the highest GPA, in four of six of the classes. And she was given the honor of flag bearer for graduation because she's in the top two of the class, and that's you know, participating in her brother's graduation. And it was super important to me to not dim her success. I didn't want her to shrink or to dim to make her brothers comfortable. I wanted her to stand in the fullness of her accomplishment. She made some changes to her schedule. She cut back on a sport over the winter that was going to ask a lot of her time because she wanted to focus on her academics. And I really wanted to celebrate her because this really was her achievement. Meaning I don't push my children in a way that a lot of parents do. I don't ride them hard. I wrote a little Substack article. I'm I'm not a helicopter mom. I am a gutterball mom. I'm just gonna keep you from crashing out. I'm gonna redirect you to center, but I am not the ramp. I'm not providing you aim, I'm not providing you velocity, I am not steering you down the middle. That is your work. And she made those choices to adjust so that she could focus on what was important to her. And I'm really proud of her for that. Not to say she did it in spite of me, but because I was focusing on tending her roots, she knows that I love her and I'm proud of her, and she is worthy and enough, regardless of her grades. She knows that she can pursue a standard track of going to university and getting a job if she wants to, and she can also pursue any other track that she wants to. She knows that she is supported and loved regardless of any kind of metrics. Though that's how I tend her roots. But she chose to really focus on academics, and that was important to her. And so I wanted her to see me witness her choice and her dedication and her discipline and that individual achievement. But there is another layer that I am not gonna post about on social media, but it is most certainly a conversation that we have had in our home because success, especially in something like school, is never just individual. My kids didn't walk into the same starting point, even though they walked into the same classrooms. My oldest started kindergarten right after turning five. He will graduate as a 17-year-old, have barely turned 18 when he goes to school. This was how it used to be. And then Malcolm Gladwell wrote a book called Outliers, and I'm gonna talk about that. It's actually a really great book, but it was printed, I think, in 2008. And so it was all the rage when Dasha was going to school. And that is when parents started red shirting their kids, holding them back. Now, when I took him to school to do his entry evaluation, I planned on starting him at pre-K. And the woman who was the lower school school principal at the time was like, he is a really big kid. And if you start him as a preschooler, that would be the four-year-old class, he's gonna be with these current kids who are three. And she took me to that classroom and they were teeny tiny little people. Well, after that, they ended up set separating the preschool into pre-kindergarten and preschool. Nevertheless, she talked me into starting him at five. And because the red shirting had already started, he is in class with girls who are fully a year older than him. So he struggled in the first couple of years, which looking back makes sense. Boys often mature a little later, and he was one of the youngest in his class, if not the youngest in those early years. And because of his experience of struggle, when my daughter came two years later, I held her back. Now they are two years apart in age, they are three years apart in schooling. And her preschool teacher was like, honey, I think she is bored out of her mind. Are you sure you want to do this? And at this point, I was like, Yes. So I held her back a year and she started kindergarten on her sixth birthday. So she is experiencing the same curriculum, but she is doing it from a different developmental place. And that matters. It takes nothing away from her success, but it allows us to understand it more honestly. Because when we only look at the outcome, we can start telling stories about who's naturally gifted and who's not trying hard enough. And we miss the invisible layers that shape the result. And I think this matters, not just for how we see our kids, but how they see themselves. We were riding down the road and Dashel and Zosha were in the car, and he said, Well, I'm not the smart one. And we had to have this conversation. We will never know. Y'all did not encounter the same curriculum from the same developmental place. Now, what he has is the ability to persist. He has learned how to struggle. He has learned how to hang tough when things are hard. And she hasn't had that lesson yet. And I hope down the road when her curriculum is harder, that when there is struggle, she'll know how to, because it that is also a life skill. But I just need them to know that a lot of times when we compare ourselves, we're only comparing the tip of our iceberg, and we have no idea what is going on underneath. So I refuse to allow her to dim. This is success, and she earned the success, and we will celebrate it. But I also do not want my son to feel like he is behind. They are not on the same timeline, they are not in that same developmental moment, they are each unfolding in their own way. And when we widen the lens like that, we move from comparison to understanding. In the book, Malcolm Gladwell reminds us that extraordinary success is deeply influenced by hidden advantages and opportunities and timing and culture and environment. He is not saying that effort doesn't matter, but that effort alone doesn't explain those outliers. It's not just the time that you have to practice something, it is the opportunity, it's the quality of opportunity to practice. Not everybody has equal access to ours. He gives an example of Canadians who are professional hockey players and said that if you look at it, there is a disproportionate amount of January birthday hockey players who are playing in the pros. And it is not because if you are born in that star sign, you are innately gifted in hockey. It is because based on where the age requirement is, the youngest people are in December. The oldest for the new cutoff of the age are in January. They are a full nine months bigger and more developed than the people in September. So perhaps they get more coaches looking at them. They make the travel team, they get more hours on ice playing at a higher level. They develop better skill because of the advantage of being born in January. Small opportunities end up making a compounding advantage. And that makes massive long-term differences. So often success can start with something as random as when you were born, but systems amplify it. The systems that we build around where we find our success in schools, in athletics, in jobs, the systems might allow one of the unseen advantages to flourish. So when we stop taking into account that these unseen advantages are there, we tell stories about our own inadequacies. I know a personal example of this for me is I am healthy. I am fit. I would say pretty incredibly fit for 48. And if I look at someone who is not the picture of health, maybe overweight, or just does not look healthy, it would be easy for me to say, well, I choose to exercise and I choose to eat healthy food. And both of those are true. I do make those choices. So pat on the back for my individual accomplishment of choice. But also, I have the means to buy organic food. I have the means and the time to prepare food at home and to eat healthy food. I have time to eat healthy at my house. I have time and resources to be a member of a gym. I am able to have space in my life. I have a housekeeper who is taking care of my home so that I have time to go to the gym and I don't need to, you know, sweep and vacuum. Actually, I have to sweep and vacuum all the time. We have a house full of animals and people. But I'm saying I have a lot of help that frees up my time so that I can invest in my health. Those are unseen advantages. Whereas looking at me and looking at somebody else, you might be like, well, she just eats better. That's not true. I have access, I have opportunity. So those are the unseen advantages that I bring to the table. It is not individual success. It is the success of my family creating the space for me. It is the success of my husband providing for me in a way that I have those opportunities. It is from being raised by a mom who cared about eating at home. There are so many things that build into what my health looks like now that it is not an individual accomplishment. And I was trying to think of something that may could be just like the individual accomplishment. And I can't think of one because we are shaped by our relationships, we are shaped by our environment, we are shaped by the systems that we are born into. And to not see that all of those components can either hinder you or help you really allows those stories to carry weight that they shouldn't hold. We don't have to be victims of our stories, but we don't have to see somebody else's success and feel unworthy or not good about ourselves either. These are the components that are informing this present moment. What is my choice from here? And those components are not the same for everyone. So it's basically like these are your ingredients. I'm thinking now about the vision builders, my husband's company, the holiday party. We went to a cooking kitchen, a teaching kitchen, and they played chopped. So they divided into teams, and there were a couple of judges to see who did the best. And there was an appetizer, and then there was entree competition. And so for the appetizer, they each had ingredients. One of the teams had the ingredient of salmon, one of the teams had an ingredient of, gosh, I can't even remember, but one was anchovies. And one of the judges was like, I hate anchovies. So with the ingredients that you have, success is not likely. This is what you were given, and it is going to be very hard to have the same success level as somebody who is given the ingredient of what the judge prefers. Perhaps the competition would have been a little more even if they were all working with the same ingredients. But y'all, we don't. We don't have the same ingredients. Some of us don't even have a kitchen. You are outside just trying to pull leaves together and make. What you got. I'm just saying we can't think that we're all going to succeed at the same things in the same way when we are coming to the kitchen with different ingredients. And your ingredients are made up of your past stories, your inherited trauma that is yours to participate in the healing of. It comes with your opportunity, with your spaciousness of resources to allow yourself to do healing, to allow yourself to study, to allow yourself to work or to grow. We don't have the same ingredients in our baskets. So our success is not, it's not going to look like everybody else because you've got your own surprise ingredients to work with. And when you come up with the most amazing dish, you will know that there's others to thank. Whoever stacks that basket for you, whoever allowed your sous chef. A friend of mine was texting the other day. I have a package with her. And she's like, Your package is out. You'll have to bring payment the next time. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I'm like, no problem. She's like, I really need an assistant. Like, can you imagine how badass we would be if we had wives? Behind every successful man is usually a woman who's holding it all together. I really do believe that. Um so it's just important for us to not only acknowledge that our outcomes don't have to look like everybody else's, you are bringing different components. The metrics of success are man-made anyway. That's another, I'm going on a lot of tangents here, but I was having another conversation with a friend who was talking about her business, and and she said she really struggles because she'll set revenue goals and then start doubting herself or what's going to happen if I don't meet this? Like, I'm not successful enough if I'm not meeting these metrics. And I think her husband thinks like I do, and it's like, well, success might be how do you feel in your body? Are you getting to spend time with your boys? Are you are you happy? Like, who who gave you the metrics that you are struggling to meet? It's actually your company. Change the metric. That's so easy for me to say. Mark would bash me over the head for thinking like that. Thank goodness couples end up balanced with one person who can be like success is being able to go on vacation. Success is all of these abstract things, not everything has to be metric driven. Anyway, what I'm saying is we get to define success. And you don't have to define it by what's working for somebody else, because you brought your own recipe basket to the table. But be sure to thank the farmers who contributed to that because success is never individual. All right. Let me not run on any more tangents, but I just wanted to share that this week because while it is important for us to fully celebrate our success, we must remember that it is not just hard work or innate ability that helps us get there. So give yourself compassion. If somebody else's story looks better, remember that you did not see what all went into the writing of it. I love you. Thanks for allowing me to ramble. I'll see you next week.